Best Doggone Week Ever!

Hip here, canine star of Walt Loves the Bearcat, as well as your recent host for When In Doubt, Pet the Dog Week, the special celebration of When In Doubt, Pet the Dog, a memoir thingy on my author's blog.

It was the first-ever theme week on Randy Boyd's Blocks and word on the pee-mail trail smells good! Pet the Dog Week was a howling success. The ratings, I mean, page hits were up! The network executives inside my author's brain are ecstatic.

They're also planning more theme weeks and another Pet the Dog Week, or two, or three. Hey, does my agent know about this? Expect my fees to rise, like the cast of Friends after their big success. Can you say one million bones per episode?

Thanks for tuning into Pet the Dog Week here on the Blocks, hosted by yours truly, Hip! And stay tuned for more When In Doubt, Pet the Dog coming soon.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some network executives to bite.

Hip Loves Walt Loves the Bearcat

My name is Hip, and I'm your host for When In Doubt, Pet the Dog Week on Randy Boyd's Blocks. You may know me as the cute, lovable golden mutt in my favorite novel, Walt Loves the Bearcat by Randy Boyd.

Thanks to Freaky Deaky Technologies, I'm guest blogging on my author's blog. Not only are my thoughts being downloaded, they're also being translated from dog to English! How cool is that!

My author's dog Boomer is the dog who inspired my character in Walt Loves the Bearcat, but my performance as Hip is all me ... Hip! In fact, I'm the one who suggested putting an exclamation point after my name in the fantasy sequences.

And I'm not ashamed to admit: it was also, me, Hip, that improvised many of the lines in the scene where the Bearcat surprises the injured athlete Walt with ... me, Hip! You see, the scene started out ... we have a clip? Oh, okay, we have a clip. Ruff it. I mean, rover it. I mean, roll it. Roll book excerpt!

Walter Yeager needed a reversal of spirit and a healthy distraction while his body healed. Bear did his part, dancing up a storm daily in the den, but as the weeks went by and the season was looking more and more like a wash, the time came for reinforcements in the form of a new addition to the Bearcat family: a happy slobbering tongue!

“Not now, Bear,” mumbled a slumbering Walter one morning in bed. When the licking persisted, he swiped away the source, resulting in a series of shrieking yelps. Walter awoke in a panic, then said in a high-pitched voice: “Hi, puppy! I’m so sorry!”

Bear has holding over the bed a golden aura of puppy heaven, a six-month-old mutt mixed with Labrador retriever, golden retriever and anything else beautiful the angels poured into his one-of-a-kind mold. He swam through the air for Walter; Walter reached out and took the puppy.

“He’s a big boy!” said Walter, calling up the animated voice he only used for dogs and small children. “Aren’t you a big boy? Aren’t you a handsome fella?”

Walter was like a boy on Christmas morning getting everything he ever dreamed of. He and the puppy explored one another, bouncing around the bed as if their bodies couldn’t contain their eagerness.

“Is he ours? Can we keep him, Bear, can we please? We can—oh, look, little one, Bear’s got that silly ole Joe Bruin grin on his face. You’re our dog now. Wanna be our dog? Yes, you do, big baby boy ...”

The corona of Corona, Seattle was more radiant than ever. Walter played with his new playmate, and Bear played the responsible one--but not too responsible. After all, Bears need their joy, too.

So what if the pup pissed on the carpet during his strict house-training regimen. So what if Bear had to clean up puppy vomit in the middle of the night. So what if the nightly howling in those first few weeks kept the boys bleary-eyed throughout the day.

So what if Bear had to do the brunt of the work since Walter was on IR. Every single chore was a chore of love and the result of dreams coming true.

“What should we name him?” asked Bear that first week.

“I got this one,” said Walter. “Hip, because he is, and because he’s helping to heal mine. And Shoulder or Concussion wouldn’t sound cool at the dog park."

—from Walt Loves the Bearcat

And scene ... I want my Oscar bone! How about an Oscar bone for Best Canine Performance? Please? I'm begging you.

This is Hip, sitting like a good boy, anticipating a treat, and thanking you for stopping by Pet the Dog Week, a very special celebration of the periodic column, When In Doubt, Pet the Dog, and urging you to check me out in Walt Loves the Bearcat, a Lambda Literary Award Finalist for Best Romance.

I want my Lammy bone! How about a Lammy bone? How about an Emmy bone for best host?

The Bitch with Cancer in Her Throat

Hip here, your host for When In Doubt, Pet the Dog Week @ Randy Boyd's Blocks.

Most of you know me for my four-paws-up performance as Hip in Walt Loves the Bearcat by Randy Boyd, a Lambda Literary Award Finalist for Best Romance.

But did you know that I, Hip, almost didn't make it into Randy's book? More-rover, I almost didn't make it into Randy's life, period! That's because Randy almost adopted another dog a couple of years before he adopted Boomer, the real-life dog that inspired me, Hip, in his fourth novel. It was a bitch, let me tell you!

A Whole Lotta Pettin' Going On

My name is Hip, and I'm your host for When In Doubt, Pet the Dog Week on Randy Boyd's Blocks.

You may know me as the cute, lovable golden mutt in the novel, Walt Loves the Bearcat by Randy Boyd. Yes, that's me, uplifting the spirits of the injured quarterback, and looking so cute and adorable doing it.

Thanks to Freaky Deaky Technologies, I'm guest blogging on my author's blog. Not only are my thoughts being downloaded, they're also being translated from dog to English! How cool is that!

When I was asked to do Pet the Dog Week, I leaped, literally, at the treat, er, opportunity dangling in front of my face. My very own week on a blog? How cool is that!

Then I found out the week was dedicated, not to me, but to Boomer, the golden mutt from Randy Boyd's life, not his novel. I decided to take the job anyway (after some serious discussion with my agent). After all, Boomer is the dog who inspired my character in Walt Loves the Bearcat. And it's still a chance for me to get my name out there as a great canine host. Can the Oscars be far behind? Woof! Woof!

So get hip, lol, and check out me, Hip, in Walt Loves the Bearcat. And don't forget to send treats to your host for When In Doubt, Pet the Dog Week on Randy Boyd's Blocks, a doggone celebration of, duh!, When In Doubt, Pet the Dog, the periodic blog column thingy at, duh!, Randy Boyd's Blocks. Woof! Woof!

Guest Who's Coming to the Blocks

Sometimes, a writer's too busy writing novels to write other things. Thankfully freaky deaky technology allows for a most fascinating download between my brain and my blog.

The result is a special feature on the Blocks called Guest Who?, featuring guest bloggers from my novels and short stories.

I might have created the characters, but the characters are creating their own blog posts all by themselves. Freaky? Tell me about it! But first, be my guest and see for yourself in the Blocks labeled Guest Who?, now and forever at Randy Boyd's Blocks.

Still Coming to a Dream Near You

Dear Bearcat People,

Dino and the Brownster here. We're the two main characters in the next Randy Boyd book, the Bearcat Boyz on the Road of Life. We live in a town called Dreamville and go to Dreamville High. Together, we're gonna rule the school. Oh, and change the world as we know it.

Our creator once dreamed of us being on bookshelves, and in high school, this year, when he announced our birth on his blog.

However, we, the Bearcat Boyz, using Freaky Deaky Technologies, have ascertained that we, the Bearcat Boyz, will not be entering Dreamville High and taking over the entire world until 2010, the year of author Randy Boyd's 30th high school reunion.

So sit tight, Bearcat Peeps, the Bearcat Boyz are still coming to a dream near you, just not quite yet. And remember, you can always catch up with us in Walt Loves the Bearcat, the dream that started it all!

Sincerely,
The Bearcat Boyz, soon starring in the Bearcat Boyz on the Road of Life.

10 Ways to Get Blacks To Support Gay Marriage

Author Randy Boyd is away authoring his next novel, The Bearcat Boyz on the Road of Life. Thanks to Freaky Deaky Technologies, the author's characters are doing it for themselves in Guest Who?

Our guest bloggers today: partners Deon Anthony and Charlie Dubious from Uprising, the suspense thriller by Randy Boyd.

Deon is a closeted basketball legend. Charlie is his sissified, very queeny boyfriend. Both men are black.

To the gays who wanna get married,

Y'all homos have been awfully loud and angry about being denied marriage rights, but y'all need to get real. Politicians won't support same-sex marriage until the majority of voters agree. However, the majority of black voters disagree with gay matrimony, so say the polls, and now that black folk got they own president, the bruthas and sisters are gonna be voting more and often.

So what's a fag to do? Keep protesting all loud and angry? Forget about getting married? Move to Canada?

Have no fear: Deon and Charlie are here with another solution for the queers of America: support black people.

When one of us isn't playing pro ball and the other one isn't shopping in drag, we surf the net and spend time with other closeted ballers and their lovers. We hear how you homos act towards us black folk. It ain't pretty. What's with all the WHITES AND LATINS ONLY language on the net? Everywhere you look, fags online are telling the world: I only want white and Latin men!

What the fuck? What universe are we in? Tell us how you really feel about niggers. Oh, wait, you just did, and you do it every single day in ALL CAPS on the world wide web for the whole wide world to see: WHITES AND LATINS ONLY. SORRY, JUST A PREFERENCE.

Honkeys, please. You snow queens, too. Blacks will never support gay marriage if you keep treating them like they're colored people, as in “separate but equal.”

So how, then, are gays supposed to treat black people? Glad you asked.

Here now: 10 different ways to show a brutha some love, so more black people will show gays some love back and support gays marrying.

1. Ask a black man something else besides, “What are you packing?” or, “Is it true what they say about black men?”

2. Assume a black man can do something else besides sports, entertainment and crime, for example, rocket scientist, novelist, cheerleader, great soul mate.

3. Realize that when you use (in ALL CAPS) words like WHITES AND LATINS ONLY. NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS, NO OFFENSE, you're using the exact same language and justifications used by the people who, not long ago, posted segregation signs outside restaurants, restrooms, water fountains, beaches, schools, neighborhoods, marriage, the presidency of the United States.

4. Realize that when you use phrases like clean only, disease-free, bug-free, you're using words that might hurt people's feelings, including the many blacks who make up the majority of new HIV/AIDS cases.

5. Realize that HIV infection rates are once again at epidemic proportions in minority communities and do something about it, like, educate yourself with the idea of helping out in a way that enriches both yourself and the world.

6. Learn how to have safe sex, so if you meet a black man who happens to be HIV-positive, you can be intimate without worrying about AIDS.

7. Go out on a platonic date with a black man, just to see if it kills you.

8. Visualize being intimate with a black man without a thought about skin color or dick size. See if that kills you.

9. Be better than your parents, and your parents' parents, and their parents, and break the cycle of excluding people from your deepest dreams in life, solely based on the color of their skin.

And finally, if you're still unsure about supporting black people:

10. Take a Nigger to Lunch Day. Every month, be sure to book your calendar and do it, even if it kills you. And remember, by serving yourself, you'll be serving yourself ... later on at your wedding reception.

There must be a million more ways to integrate yourself into the life around you. It might sound challenging, but remember: in the end, blacks will become your champion for your rights, fighting for what you believe in because, “by golly, there's no reason Mike and Mike shouldn't be able to get married, why, they're no different than LeQuicha and me” will become the mindset of the African American of tomorrow, and homos across America will be living happily ever after in wedded bliss.

Now that's what you call an Uprising!

More Guest Who? on the Blocks:
Rising Up Over Gay Racism
Dear Queers, Give Black People Blue Jeans!

Rising Up Over Gay Racism

Author Randy Boyd is away authoring his next novel, The Bearcat Boyz on the Road of Life. Thanks to Freaky Deaky Technologies, the author's characters are doing it for themselves in Guest Who?

Our guest blogger today: Othello, better known as the crazy-ass, closeted pop star who tries to assassinate a homophobic US Senator in Uprising, the suspense thriller by Randy Boyd ...

Hey, blogosphere,

My creator, Mr. Boyd, hasn't given Uprising much props so far on Randy Boyd's Blocks, even though Uprising, starring me, Othello, was the author's first novel. In fact, Uprising was published in 1998, so 2008 marks the 10-year anniversary of Uprising, the suspense thriller by Randy Boyd. That means that Uprising is 10 years-old, like his dog Boomer.

Does Othello and his Uprising get a whole blog column with a cute title, like, When In Doubt, Pet the Dog? No.

Does Othello and his Uprising get a special blog feature called Uprising @ 10, like, say, a certain special blog feature known as Bridge Across the Ocean @ 20? No. Is Bridge itself twenty years old? No.

Does Othello and his Uprising get the one lil' Happy Birthday blog post celebrating the 10th anniversary of Randy Boyd's first published novel? Not to mention his first novel to make a best seller's list? Not to mention his first novel to be nominated for a Lambda Literary Award? Not to mention the only Randy Boyd novel to be nominated for two Lammys, best men's mystery and best small press title? No.

But Othello and his Uprising are not here to hate.

Othello is on the Blocks to help an author out by guest blogging about hot topics in the world today, so here goes ...

I wanna sequel!!!!!!

Picture it: Uprising 2 ... Othello, that's me, is an out and proud homosexual mega pop star who's topping the charts. He's Prince, Madonna, Timberlakeland and Diddy Cool J all wrapped into one. But somebody's out to kill him! And they know what Othello did last novel (plotted to kill a white man, a US senator at that!)

Once again, Othello, that's me, must team up with Raider, the hunky hetero FBI agent, this time with Raider's young son in tow.

Join the adventure as two and a half men fight for survival and gay rights, Rambo-style!

Now that's a hot topic!

However ... Othello, that's me, was only “let out” of my author's brain if I agreed to blog about current events, so ... speaking of gay rights.

In Uprising, I was just as pissed off as the queers of today, you know, the ones who are protesting and demonstrating in the streets about gay marriage and anti-gay pastors and proposition this and that. When I wanted my civil rights in the suspense thriller, I thought I had to put a bullet in a US Senator's head, thereby gettin' all y'all fags to take to the streets. Holla!

Of course, as author Randy Boyd would have me, the feds sicced a hot blond, homophobe undercover agent after my ass, well, not my ass, but ... what I mean is, he was out to nail me, and not in a good way. Ultimately, I ended up nailing him, but that's besides the point.

My plot to kidnap two other equally-closeted celebrities, a legendary baller and a media mogul, and recruit the ultimate queer warriors to be the foot soldiers in my deadly plan of assassination gave me pause, and that was before the harrowing chase sequence through the parade at gay pride LA.

Sometimes, there are better ways of getting what you want than acting up. For example, have you tried tearing down your own walls before tearing down the walls of other people?

During Uprising, I was too famous and closeted to roam around West Hollywood as my mega pop star self, so my creator gave me Hollywood makeup that turned me into an ordinary older black man, though handsome in my own eyes.

When I was in my Tom-Cruise-Mission-Impossible-type, old-black-man mask, not one of you faggots (of any race!) looked me in the eye. In the gay world, I was invisible to you. Or you feared me. Couple of you did speak from time to time, maybe when I was sittin' at a bar.

You packing, old guy? You a top, sir, how big are you?

From the looks of it, nothing's change. Randy Boyd's nightmares about his Racist Gay Life are constantly waking my ass up in the deep space of his dreams. And that takes a lot, seeing as how Othello and his Uprising feel like the author's neglected oldest kid (although he has given one of the Bearcat Boyz my FBI buddy's last name. You go, Kincaide!)

So to help an author out, Othello and his Uprising are gonna tell it like it is, people to people:

You nigger-fearing faggots need to get over y'all'selves and wise up. And rise up over the sick ideas you have about all black people. That's just yo' dumb-ass, great-grand-pappy talkin', spinning racist tales that over the years filtered into your small little brain before you knew shit about the world, which you still don't, by the way, as obvious by the pathetic way you advertise yourselves on the internet.

The most popular phrase on the gay internet: WHITES AND LATINS ONLY, aka gay racism spelled out in ALL CAPS in case a nigga who's hard of reading logs on. Do you have a fucking brain? Or is it all fried out by drugs and all that sex with thousands of different men? Yep, thousands. Or are you just a stupid-ass monkey in a man suit?

Maybe I tried to rise up against the wrong, narrow-minded pea brains in Uprising. Maybe Senator Jimmy Herman, the bastard I tried to off, was right. Maybe faggots really are a bunch of mutants incapable of a positive contribution to the world.

If Senators Jesse Helms and Strom Thurman were still alive, they'd be proud of you fags, living up to their stereotypes and upholding their racial values. They led the WHITES ONLY brigade before you, you know. Who did you think you were monkeying with all your racist ideas and justifications?

Jesse Helms is the grandpa of your dreams, faggot. He's your pappy's pappy, fool. Say hello to Grandfather Jimmy Herman, the homophobic Southern Senator in Uprising. You may vote for a biracial brutha who's your only light in dark times, but remember this:

You yourself have not come a long way. Your WHITES ONLY “preferences” are keeping the legacy of slavery alive and well, faggots of America.

Does it mean anything to your logical, white American mind that white Canadians and white Europeans are not as racist as you?

How many white Canadian, Australian and European men have online profiles that say WHITES AND LATINS ONLY? Far fewer is an understatement. You still believe your white, all-American racist mind is of its own free will? Or was it born before you were because you were born in a country built by nigger slaves? Ma niggas.

That's Grandpa Helms talking from your brain, boy. The same man who deemed you faggot and said faggots are sick sinners is the same man who taught you, WHITES ONLY, NOTHING PERSONAL, JUST A PREFERENCE.

Looking for an all-American blond boy, or Mediterranean. Or Latin. Or Asian maybe. But no nigger dare touch my private parts or get that close to me. Nothing personal, just a preference.

Don't take it personal if I rise up and act out your worst nightmares about niggers, right in front of your face, you racist fools. Nothing personal, my great black ass.

How's that for a hot topic? I know Othello and his Uprising are pretty jack up right about now.

Now where's my sequel?!?!?!?!

Uprising
The Suspense Thriller
by Randy Boyd

A Lambda Literary Award Finalist for Best Mystery and Best Small Press Title

Get Uprising at Amazon.com
Read an excerpt from Uprising

Dear Queers, Give Black People Blue Jeans!

Author Randy Boyd is away authoring his next novel, The Bearcat Boyz on the Road of Life. In his place, the Randy Boyd's Blocks is proud to present Guest Who?

Thanks to highly exclusive, massively encrypted, Y3K software by Freaky Deaky Technologies, we can now tap into the digital minds of the analogue characters who previously only existed on the pages of Randy Boyd's novels. That's right. The author's characters are doing it for themselves in Guest Who?

Here now, our first guest blogger: Hail Larry McPherson, white heterosexual pro football player who catches the greatest touchdown pass of all-time in Walt Loves the Bearcat by Randy Boyd. (Hail Larry also stars in The Bearcat Boyz on the Road of Life, coming soon).


Memo to the Homos and Dykes of America and Those Who Want Them Married Off:

I have bitched and moaned about this whole same-sex marriage deal being a little freaky deaky from time to time, but now I get it. Yes, that's right.

Since I've been hanging around my white homo QB teammate and his Bearcat of a black boyfriend (with my hot wife, mind you), I see gays marrying in a whole new light.

I, heterosexual wide receiver Hail Larry McPherson, now think that homos deserve the right to marry.

You go, queers, get married and live happily ever after. Or unhappily ever after. Your choice. Your dream. Your right. It should be anyway.

"Kinda seems to me like a battle of Pink vs. Black."

But there's just one thing. Recently, I was made aware of a weakness in your strategy for winning these marriage rights and I was hoping you wouldn't mind my giving you homos a bit of advice. I actually think it might help you get to the alter sooner. It's kinda like a secret weapon, you might say.

Statistics show that it's mostly socially-conservative black people that are ruining your gay wedding plans, always voting you down at the polls. I'm guessing by all the shouting and protesting, you already know this. Kinda seems to me like a battle of Pink vs. Black. So herein lies Pink's secret weapon in all this poll dancing between blacks and gays.

"Queer America, get to know Black America."

Do something I haven't seen many homos do in this crusade of yours: get to know more black people! Infiltrate their ranks. Befriend them!

I once read somewhere: America conquered the Soviet Empire by giving them blue jeans, and that if we gave Cuba blue jeans, the culture would follow and the walls would come crumbling down. Begin integration

You queers have to give blacks blue jeans! Give them who you are, show them your culture, your families, your children, your homes, your dreams.

Let black people know you're more than just pink people with frilly frills, leather, parades and a whole lotta anger. So far, they haven't seen much else from you.

Even the blacks inside your homo world haven't heard much dialogue from you, except, of course, those warnings on Internet dating sites. You know the ones: WHITES ONLY, WHITES AND LATINS ONLY. NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS, NO OFFENSE.

My black football coach once said:

“If you want anybody else to see you as something worth civil rights, you got to show them some civility. You got to be humane to other humans. You got to see them as more than a stereotype, and show them you're more than a stereotype.”

Right on, Coach!

Blacks protested mighty fiercely for civil rights, but Coach says, it was Sports that ultimately uplifted us all: “seeing Black and White play together, grow together, dialogue together, win together. Politics followed. The military, the workforce, neighborhoods, television, marriage and all the rest followed. Why? Because America integrated Black, and Black integrated America.”

Thing is, Pink has not integrated Black, and Black has not integrated Pink, so black people see pink people as freaks and weirdos who shouldn't be legally married, if black people have anything to say about it.

And they do, because, let's face it, bitches: no politician is pronouncing any homo or lesbian, “man and man,” or “woman and woman,” without a comfortable majority of voters.

As such, I, straight guy Hail Larry McPherson, suspect Pink ain't gonna get very far in the polls by stoning the gods of Black and shutting out black homos with online language, like, WHITES AND LATINS ONLY. NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS, NO OFFENSE.

So, queer America, you have a choice:

You can find out who black people really are behind their skin color and stereotypes, and show them who you really are behind your rainbow flags and sexual segregation, and integrate yourselves.

Or you can stomp up and down like a child who can't get what they want until the world lets you have that candy bar.

It's simple, Queer America, get to know Black America, accept them in your home, your hearts and especially in your minds. For gay marriage's sake, give them blue jeans!

Sincerely,

Hail Larry McPherson, the hot Italian (and heterosexual!) stud receiver from Walt Loves the Bearcat and the upcoming Bearcat Boyz. You know .... McPherson catches it! McPherson catches it! McPherson catches it! Teammates hug, fans sob, players thank their gods!

P. S., Man, I love women!