No Longer a Homo

What does gay mean? Does gay describe a person’s sexual orientation? Does gay describe an individual’s behavior in bed? Out of bed? What do people think when they hear the word gay, or that someone is gay? What images come to mind? What assumptions? Are they accurate? Whose point of view do these images reflect?

Chances are, the images and behavior that come to mind are far from universally accurate. Chances are, the world’s perception of gay is based on the images and behavior the media and its audience have deemed acceptable for consumption.

Unfortunately, these images are usually limited to stereotypes that render the audience comfortable yet unthreatened. The result is a narrowly cast point of view on what it means to be gay, which leads to terms like gay networks, gay programming, gay audiences, gay people, gay behavior, much in the same way the media talks about urban shows for urban audiences.

Trouble is, on the way to becoming a marketing term, and a way for a younger generation to describe something they don’t favor as “that’s so gay,” some of us who used to use the word gay to simply communicate our sexual desires have been feeling a little less gay about being gay, because gay, which use to mean happy, then came to mean homo, is now something altogether different, which doesn’t make this gay man very gay at all.

Confused? Tell me about it! It just so happens, we have a clip today from my novel, Walt Loves the Bearcat, where the main character deals with “this whole gay thing” much better than I'm doing right now … Roll Clip!

No Longer a Homo

from "Walt Loves the Bearcat"

“In my dreams, we did great things and stood by one another like warriors united,” said Marcus to the audience at the writer’s conference. “That was my dream for this gay community, but it’s a dream unfulfilled. This ‘gay’ community I see in the early part of the 21st century is nothing that I can personally identify with or relate to. Somebody hijacked the word gay. Now it means you’re a Queer Eye Guy, or Will or Grace. If that’s what being gay is, I’m no longer a homo.”

Murmurs of approval filtered through the audience.

“Not knocking anyone,” said Marcus. “We all should be who we are. But when I signed on to this whole gay thing, I did so with the understanding that it was an easy way to convey to the world my number one draft pick for the gender of my sex partners and eventual love of my life, nothing else.”

Laughter replaced the murmurs.

“Sex life and love life were the only things I signed up for,” said Marcus. “No behavioral tendencies, no special icons and divas, no particular clothes or labels or activities or lifestyle—although I must say, I’ve probably tried them all on for size in the name of finding who I really am. And this is who I really am: the only reason I’m gay is because there are certain things about a man that I don’t wanna live without. Daily, preferably. The first of those is another man’s soul. After that, everything else is details. That’s the only reason I check gay on the census form, so to speak. And as far as labels, I learned a long time ago to let ’em go. So the Queer Eye Guys can keep gay. And I hope all their dreams come true, just like mine. But I’ll just say ... I’m sexual ...”

Silence ensued in the room, as if time were momentarily suspended.

“Thank you very much. Enjoy your weekend,” concluded Marcus.

“Uh, excuse me,” said the dark-haired lesbian at the podium. “Just exactly how does this relate to the topic at hand: Why Gay America Cares About Gay Literature?”

Marcus collected himself. “Because this new gay world does not care about gay literature. How many here today tell people you write gay lit, and they automatically assume you do porno? Yeah, see, if I had a dollar for every hand in the air right now, I could afford to stay at this hotel on a regular weekend. This new gay world doesn’t care about gay literature because, even though we have great stories, they don’t have pretty pictures, like all the other sources for gay media.” Then it dawned on Marcus for the very first time. “We’ve got to give them pretty pictures!” He folded his hands and cracked his knuckles. “Then all of America will care,” said Marcus, smiling at the dark-haired lesbian, who still didn’t seem convinced.

“Perhaps we’ll leave that discussion for the Q&A,” she said, sounding quite bewildered.


Excerpt from Walt Loves the Bearcat, the sports epic that dares to dream.

More excepts from Walt Loves the Bearcat

More about Walt Loves the Bearcat

Get Walt Loves the Bearcat now at Amazon.com

Homophobia in the NBA: Who’s To Blame?

(This article originally appeared on Outsports.com in November, 2005)

Homophobia in the NBA: Who’s To Blame?

Some are blaming the brutality of the game. Others are blaming the mentality of the athletes. Some are blaming testosterone. Still others are blaming manmade facilities, like locker rooms.

These days, a lot of athletes are good at blaming their behavior and attitudes on things outside their control. The behavior in this case: killing another man’s spirit in the name of preserving one’s own manhood.

That’s what homophobia does. It kills the spirit. It tells little boys with big sports dreams that their big sports dreams are worthless unless they suppress what comes natural to them (regardless of how natural or unnatural it comes to anyone else).

You can call someone a fag a lot of ways. You can call them a fag aloud. Or you can deny them access to any particular slice of the American Dream, the one that’s supposed to be pre-ambled with “liberty and justice for all” and “all men are created equal.” Either way, and no matter who and what you blame, you’re still calling that someone a fag. You’re still telling them they are worth less than you. No matter all else, you’re still killing their spirit.

Dear Danny Fortson: when you tell the press that having a gay person on your team “wouldn’t be a good idea” and justify your comments by saying athletes still have a grade-school mentality, not only are you not speaking highly about the mental capacity of your teammates, you’re abusing some kid’s spirit by telling him he’s not a good enough for your world, no matter his athletic ability, because he is worth less than you.

Dear Robert Parish: when you reason that testosterone causes the macho (read: intolerant) and chauvinist environment in the locker room, you’re reasoning that it’s okay for men to behave the way they behave because of an agent in their bodies and chauvinism (which is acceptable?). You’re also saying: screw you, little boy with big sports dreams, grown men can’t help themselves from being heartless souls who treat you like crap and that’s just the way it is. You and your dreams aren’t important enough for me to imagine a better-case scenario or effect change.

Dear Doc Rivers: when you reason away the homophobic reactions of NBA players by saying “guys are brutal,” you’re condoning brutality. Against other human beings. Because guys are brutal, little boy with big sports dreams, and that’s just the way it is. You and your dreams aren’t important enough for me to imagine a better-case scenario or effect change.

Dear NBA, NFL, MLB, et al.: when you cite all the negative reasons why an athlete can’t be himself at all times, you’re telling the little boys and girls of this country that their sports dreams don’t matter, that preserving an environment encouraging behaviors and attitudes unacceptable in the majority of American settings is more important than the spirit of any boy or girl who dare to dream of finding their soul through sport while also daring to dream of loving another of the same gender. You are making a choice to prejudge the situation and the person without a single thought to that person’s ability, that person’s dreams, that person’s feelings. The very definition of killing the spirit.

Dear professional athletes: please stop killing the spirits of little boys and girls in this country by telling them their dreams are worthless. Please give us all a chance to make our sports dreams come true. It will only become a nightmare if we all think the worst and act the worst. If we do the reverse, it just might be a dream come true for all.

A five-time Lambda Literary Award nominee, Randy Boyd is the author of Walt Loves the Bearcat, the epic sports novel featuring the first out superstar athlete. Copyright © 2005 by Randy Boyd All Rights Reserved

NFL Coach Dungy's Homophobic Dreams

Reprint of an essay published on BeyondChron in March, 2007, and in the Indiana Word in April, 2007.

In 2007, Indianapolis Colts Coach Tony Dungy accepted an award at a fundraiser for the Indiana Family Institute, an organization against gay rights and gay marriage. Speaking at the fundraiser, Dungy was quoted as saying, “I appreciate the stance they're taking, and I embrace that stance.”

Below, native Hoosier and author Randy Boyd shares his own unique perspective.

Dungy’s Destructive Dreams

“Daddy, will we ever get a football team here?” asked a little black boy growing up in Indianapolis in the mid 70s. The little boy was from a sports family. They played sports. They watched sports. They talked sports. The little boy and his two older brothers had big sports dreams.

The brothers were descended from sports legacy. Their dads and uncles had done great things in the 1950s, when the all-black basketball team at Crispus Attucks High School was dreaming big for the whole city.

The brothers knew sports. The brothers lived sports. Pacers. Racers. Our own tribe down at the old Victory Field. But no big league football team. And the littlest brother wanted the city to have a football team.

“Too small and too close to Chicago and Cincinnati” was the father’s response, dousing the boy’s hopes with a dose of fiscal reality.

"Yes, little boy, there is a Santa Claus and he’s shining down on Indianapolis right now."

That little black boy was me, and while the road of life has taken me far from Indianapolis, my roots remain in the fields of my childhood dreams (Tabernacle, Ransburg, Riverside, Municipal Gardens, our backyard, just to name a few).

I’m 45 now, and have lived in Southern California for most of my adult life. But my heart, and sometimes my physical self, has never been much more than, well, a heartbeat from the Indiana sports scene.

So imagine my delight when, while a student at UCLA, I heard that a dome stadium was rising up out of the ashes of a decayed downtown that was coming back to life in the Circle City.

Imagine my delight when news came that a team, a well-established team at that, was coming to Indianapolis to call the Hoosier Dome home.

"I'm going to imagine Tony Dungy becoming enlightened by one of his players, perhaps a player who is homosexual ..."

Imagine my delight as I sat in the LA Memorial Coliseum, beaming with civic pride as the Raiders battled my hometown Indianapolis Colts in their very first season.

Imagine my delight as I watched from the end zone at Anaheim Stadium as Eric Dickerson returned to his old stomping grounds as a Colt (then imagine my trepidation as I hunkered down amidst the rowdy fans who felt betrayed by the running back and were out for blood).

Imagine my pride as I witnessed the Indianapolis Colts put their own stamp and identity on the NFL, from the Monday Night Halloween party to the Harbaugh Hail Mary in Pittsburgh to the coming of the One from Tennessee.

Imagine my pride as the Indianapolis Colts conquered their Patriot demons in one of the greatest playoff games ever. Imagine that pride swelling for two whole weeks while our city—our city, our Naptown—was a superstar at the Super Bowl.

Imagine that pride swelling even greater as two black coaches made history at the game. As if someone was saying, “Yes, little boy, there is a Santa Claus and he’s shining down on Indianapolis right now.”

Now imagine that pride and joy turning to disappointment when, only days after the Super Bowl, the little boy finds out that Indianapolis Coach Tony Dungy’s actions support banishing that little boy and his dreams to hell. Or back to the Dark Ages, where the rule of the day was: convert to our Christianity or be put to death.

And the little boy had once thought: we’ve come so far.

You see, the little boy with big sports dreams for himself and the city of Indianapolis morphed into a man who happens to be homosexual. For whatever reason. However it came to pass. My homosexuality is as much a part of my soul as the sports fields of my childhood dreams.

And for whatever reason, however it came to pass, Tony Dungy has chosen to align himself with the Indiana Family Institute, an organization whose purpose is to force its Biblical will on America and oppress all things homosexual. He even spoke at their fundraiser, effectively raising funds to bring me down.

Imagine feeling less than human when a man who preaches so much love like Tony Dungy apparently has no love for me and “my kind.” Imagine being told by society (once again) that you and your dreams are worthless on one hand, and worth suppressing and destroying on the other.

Tony Dungy knows the unimaginable pain of losing a child to suicide, a grief many wouldn’t wish upon any parent, regardless of the circumstances.

Perhaps Tony Dungy should also know that, of all the kids contemplating ending their lives at this very moment, many are doing so because they’re worried they might be gay. As many as a third of all teen suicides, according to one study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

These are kids who might not even be gay. Or might be gay. Or might be “just trying to figure out life.” But they choose to extinguish their light rather than face a world that still doesn’t accept homosexuality.

I have no knowledge of the personal lives of Tony Dungy and his family. I commend his achievements in football and wish him well. I also hope that Tony Dungy comes to realize that homosexuality is not going away, and to deny homosexuals access to the American Dream is doing the exact same thing previous generations tried to do: keep women from voting, segregate blacks, and so on and so on.

It’s hard to imagine rooting for the defending champion Indianapolis Colts next season, knowing how intolerant Tony Dungy and much of the sports world remains, even as the rest of society evolves.

"Yep, I’m a big dreamer. Dreams have kept my soul alive."

So instead of putting my faith in the Colts, I’m going to use that energy to imagine a better world and a better dream for the man and the little black boy who once roamed the fields of Tabernacle, Ransburg, Riverside, Municipal Gardens, our backyard.

I’m going to imagine Tony Dungy learning to accept homosexuals and homosexuality, if for no other reason than to create a world in which kids won’t turn to suicide as a way to deal with their sexuality.

I’m going to imagine Tony Dungy becoming enlightened by one of his players, perhaps a player who is homosexual or is close to someone homosexual. I’m going to imagine Tony and this player having open, honest discussions about their beliefs and feelings. I’m going to imagine Tony and this player agreeing to disagree but agreeing to not pass judgment and not interfere with the other’s pursuit of the American Dream.

I’m going to dream of all the NFL coaches learning to live with or deal with or tolerate or accept without judgment or open their hearts to all players regardless of sexual orientation. It may seem like an unrealistic, child-like dream, but I remember a little boy who once dreamed his city would someday get a football team and do great things, even though the odds were stacked against his city and his dream.

Yep, I’m a big dreamer. Dreams have kept my soul alive, sports dreams, life dreams, dreams like another dream I remember asking about around the same time I asked my father about Indianapolis getting a football team.

“Daddy, will black people ever be treated the same as white people in this country?”

“Long way off” was my father’s response. “Maybe in a hundred years.”

We still have a long way to go, thought the little boy.


Randy Boyd is the author of Walt Loves the Bearcat, the epic sports novel featuring the first out superstar athlete.

A five-time Lambda Literary Award nominee, Randy is a native of Indianapolis.

Copyright © 2007 by Randy Boyd All Rights Reserved

The Man Who Pegged Amaechi and Hardaway as Gay Speaks Out

(Reprint of an interview with Outsports.com in March, 2007.)

Outsports.com columnist Randy Boyd's "list of gay ballers in the NBA" generated quite a stir when the column first appeared in 2001. It got attention again this past February when John Amaechi, one of the players on that list, went public about his homosexual orientation. Also on the list was Tim Hardaway, the former player who caused a stir of his own by saying "I hate gays."

What does Boyd, author of the epic sports novel Walt Loves the Bearcat, know about gays in sports that the rest of us don't? The five-time Lambda Literary Award nominee opened up about basketball, his writings, and his famous list.

Q: You wrote two columns listing 20 NBA players as "most likely to be gay." Why?

Boyd: Right off the bat, huh? Ballin' With Randy Boyd was the column. It was a mix of sports, humor, babe watching--typical guy stuff--from my point of view. Pure entertainment. I was young--younger--and trying to be provocative. Guess I got my wish, huh?

Q: Have you met John Amaechi? Did you know he was gay when you wrote those columns?

Boyd: John Amaechi and I have never met, though I'd like to shake his hand, congratulate him on his honesty and wish him well with the book and his life. I didn't know he was gay until he told the world in '07.

"I'm on this planet to tell my tale, not other people's."

Q: How did you choose the players on the list, in particular, Amaechi and Hardaway.

Boyd: Somebody had to be on it. Think of a comedy sketch on Saturday Night Live or MADtv. Where would those shows be without joking about people's quirkiness, especially people in the public eye. It's about entertainment, not news and information.

Q: Do you personally know of any professional gay athletes?

BOYD: When I was a kid, my mother used to say: "Unless you see it with your own two eyes, you don't know what's true." Words that have stayed with me. Point being: I have no knowledge of who is or who isn't homo, hetero, bi, tri, or asexual in pro sports, so please, no more emails asking to me speculate!

Q: Would you tell us if you did know of any professional gay athletes?

BOYD: Absolutely … not! I'm on this planet to tell my tale, not other people's. That's their decision, their movie, their life, their private life. I don't intend on being the boogeyman in somebody else's movie in this lifetime.

Q: What does your tale, your experience, tell you about the issue of gays in sports?

BOYD: Gays in sports is not an "issue." It's a fact. It's a fact that men who have sex with other men have played sports on all levels throughout history. Every single sporting event that has ever taken place has included participants and spectators who have had sex with persons of the same gender. What is an "issue" is the fact that our society is in collective denial about the following reality: the world is full of athletes, soldiers, presidents, trash collectors, preachers, politicians, coaches, umpires, husbands, soccer dads, bachelors, homosexual men, heterosexual men, bisexual men … men … who have, in their lives, in their journey, had sexual relations with another … man. At some point. In some space and time. Be it at a drunken frat party or adult bookstore or upscale hotel or downstairs basement or … any and every place imaginable. To paraphrase: let he who has not had sexual relations with another man at some point and time in his life cast the first stone.

Q: You said something similar in February on Fox Sports Radio, which prompts me to paraphrase what Fox announcer Chris Myers asked: Even if that's true, what does that have to do with the "idea" of gays in sports?

BOYD: The "idea" of gays in sports is not so much about gay rights, or even morality. It's about acknowledging existing and legal behavior that ain't going away, and dealing with that existing behavior. It's about collectively coming up with ways to acknowledge and integrate that existing behavior into the sports world in ways that are healthy and balanced for all.

"Why assume the worst in people, in athletes, in locker room scenarios?"

Q: Pardon me for asking, but doesn't professional sports already do "sensitivity training?"

BOYD: If they do, they're to be commended for their efforts. I'm a strong believer in dialogue, but it's important not to simply suppress jocks who say things like "I hate gays." Dialogue goes both ways. Constructive dialogue goes a long way toward getting to truths and a common understanding, which can lead to everybody winning. But it takes both sides—rather, all sides. It also helps to focus on appreciating our differences instead of focusing on the fear or the unknown.

Q: What kind of athlete should be the first to come out while still active? A superstar? An old vet on his way out? Will he have to be John Wayne-macho with some real thick skin? What kind of man will it take?

BOYD: It will take a true hero who decides to share his soul with his world. A man who believes his word is worth more than the words of others. A man who understands he is a special creation and a great dreamer. A man determined to maximize his God-given potential in this God-given lifetime. A man who chooses to know the truest form of love for himself, and by extension, the world around him. A man who believes in his deepest dreams. Incidentally, that's pretty much my personal definition of a real man, as well as the kind of man I strive to be.

Q: In other words, you're saying, to be a real man, a man's got to face some treacherous challenges on the scale of Jackie Robinson? Or worse.

BOYD: Why dream the nightmare? Why dwell on the world's worst fears? Why assume the worst in people, in athletes, in locker room scenarios? We're all better off when we focus on the positive and wonderful results that might come from athletes being honest about their sexual orientation.

"Can you believe a man couldn't be openly gay in sports back then?"

Q: Okay. Name one positive and wonderful result, if you can.

BOYD: I can do better than that. I can name several.

-Imagine your downtrodden team that hasn't won in decades finally claiming ultimate glory when John Doe makes that spectacular catch, throw, pitch, tackle, walk-off homer, punt return for a touchdown, last second, all-net buzzer beater, wobbly field goal that goes down in history and brings all kinds of joy to your city and your heart. All because John Doe pursued sports as a kid instead of quitting out of fear of being shunned because he's gay.

-Imagine the players in pro sports who are not performing to the best of their abilities because they're too stressed from fear of being labeled a fag all lightening up, becoming less volatile, concentrating on their game more, becoming the great franchise player slash utility man slash go-to guy slash goalie slash defensive specialist they're supposed to be. Imagine the lack of stress leading to better performances, which leads to more John Does creating more magical sports moments that bring all kinds of joy to your city and your heart.

-Imagine more humans the world over understanding that sexual orientation does not cause chaos and disorder, that chaos and disorder come in all shapes and sizes, hetero to homo, trash collectors to astronauts, because chaos and disorder are caused by persons, regardless of sexual orientation, whose lives are out of balance and who are missing a healthy dose of self-worth.
Imagine more openly gay athletes resulting in more kids having positive role models and less kids trying to commit suicide out of fear they might be a fag. Or gay. Or queer. Or whatever people call the people who can't be honest about their private lives in sports.

-Imagine more kids learning valuable life lessons through playing sports, lessons like the value of a good work ethic, the importance of sportsmanship and teamwork, all because "anybody can play sports nowadays, gays included."

-Imagine our generation not being the generation that future generations look back on and say: Can you believe a man couldn't be openly gay in sports back then? How primitive is that? Before that, they didn't let blacks in. And they called themselves evolved?

-Imagine professional adult athletes growing up in the locker room and learning to treat one another as adults, not adolescents. Bigger dream: the grown-up behavior in the locker room encourages more grown-up behavior off the field, which leads to less sports page headlines dealing with spousal abuse, rape, parties gone wild and the various ugly entanglements that bring very little joy to any city or anyone's heart.

Q: Sounds like the dreams of the quarterback and cheerleader in Walt Loves the Bearcat, your very long sports novel about the first superstar athlete to come out.

BOYD: Hey, if Harry Potter can have several thousand pages to tell his tale, why can't a black boy write a little ditty about his version of the ultimate buddy duo? But seriously, new millennium, new dreams. I challenge everyone who reads this to dream of at least one positive outcome that might result from college and pro athletes being open and honest about their sexual orientation. And when you dream that dream, get in touch with how that dream makes you feel. If the dream makes you feel good, keep dreaming. If the dream makes you feel bad, send that dream back to the bench and come up with another one, a better dream, one that brings all kinds of joy to your city and your heart.

Q: Talk about tough assignments. Any last thoughts?

BOYD: Think of a newborn baby boy. Ultimately, you can't control his dreams, his choices, his beliefs. You can't control the sum total of his life experiences, nor can you control his sexual orientation or sexual experimentation. In short, you can't live his life. What you can do is your part to create a world in which any newborn baby boy can dream of being a great athlete and grow up pursuing that dream, believing in himself and his ability to reach his potential as an athlete and a human being, knowing he has a fair shot at all life has to offer, just like any other man.

Why Randy Boyd Blogs with Randy Boyd's Blocks

Randy Boyd’s Blocks is a digital collection of how I play with my blocks, e.g. the letters that make up the words that articulate my soul’s dream. Been a professional writer all my adult life. Been living with HIV/AIDS more than half my life. Been a sportsman and lover of men since I can remember.

But where does a boy like me fit in? Where does a man like me find a friendly space in today’s world? In the black world, where homos are unwelcome and interracial dating even more unwelcome? The gay world, where a large percentage of gay men, regardless of their race, won’t date black men, and where the emphasis is on guys who are "clean and disease-free"? The sports world, which shows little acceptance of homos of any kind, let alone homos with AIDS?

So far, the only welcoming worlds I’ve found are the worlds I’ve created in my dreams and my writing—my way of staying alive and being alive.

My novels have been nominated for a total of five Lambda Literary Awards and are available wherever books are sold. They’re like my kids. I’m happy with the way they turned out.

Randy Boyd’s Blocks will feature excerpts and other writings, past, present and future. Welcome to a slice of my space in space. Let the fun begin!